THREE-PLUS BERSERKERS AND A LOAD OF ULFHEDNIR IN A BOAT
SCENE : IN A VIKING LONGSHIP BEFORE BATTLE. IT IS THE KING'S SHIP AND HIS BEST TROOPS ARE HERE.
KING : THE BATTLE APPROACHES - GET READY MY MEN!
SCENE: THE BERSERKERS AND ULFHEDNIR , FOR IT IS THEM, NOW MAKE READY FOR BATTLE
MAIN BERSERKER : OK MEN. I MEAN, BEARS,, GATHER ROUND.
SCENE: THEY MAKE A HUDDLE BECAUSE THEY ARE A SECRET MALE-BONDING TOTEMIC SOCIETY. DESPITE THE FACT THAT THEY ARE CALLED BERSERKERS, AND WEAR BEAR FURS OVER THEIR ARMOUR CUT AS A WOMANS UNDER-DRESS OR 'SERK', AND THEIR SECRET TOTEMIC ANIMAL IS A BEAR. - OTHERS MUST NOT KNOW THEIR SECRET WAYS.
SPLASH. AN INTOXICATED MIDDLE-AGED HAIRY HOMOSEXUAL MAN IS THROWN OVERBOARD FOR INFILTRATING THE WRONG GROUP.
MAIN BERSERKER: OK MEN, I MEAN, BEARS,,, IT IS APPROXIMATELY 30 MINUTES TO BATTLE. THOUGH WE HAVE NO WATCHES NOR FINE SENSE OF TIME. WE MUST EAT THE SHROOMS NOW AND IF WE ARE LUCKY WE WILL BE READY FOR THE BASTARDS WHEN THEY TRY TO BOARD US. OR V.V.
SPLASH. A VIKING WITH A WOLF-PELT ON IS THROWN OVERBOARD FOR INFILTRATING THE WRONG GROUP.
MAIN ULFHEDNAR : OK MEN,. I MEAN, WOLVES,,,, GATHER ROUND.
THOSE ON DECK WITH WOLF-PELT OVER THEIR GEAR FORM A HUDDLE.
MAIN BERSERKER: OY YOU LOT. SHIFT YOUR WOLFY ARSES SOMEWHERE ELSE. THIS IS OUR SECRET BIT OF DECK.
SCENE: WOLF-HUDDLE SHUFFLES ASTERN TO CREATE DECENT INTERVAL.
ULFHEDNAR #1 : OOOOWWWWWWW!
MAIN ULFHEDNAR : NO! WAIT WITH THE HOWLING. MAINTAIN SECRECY UNTIL WE MEET THE ENEMY.
ULFHEDNAR #1 : SORRY BOSS. I JUST TRIPPED OVER AN OAR.
MAIN ULFHEDNAR: OK MEN. I MEAN, WOLVES.... GATHER ROUND . THIS IS DERSU-UZALA, THE SHAMAN.
ULFHEDNAR#2 : WHAT ?
ULFHEDNAR#3: HE SAID 'BLESSED ARE THE MEAD MAKERS'
ULFHEDNAR#4: NO. HE SAID ' BLESSED BE ALL PRODUCERS OF FERMENTED INTOXICATING LIQUIDS'
ULFHEDNAR#5: HEY, BOSS. YOU HAVE TO SPEAK UP A BIT. WE CANNOT HEAR A THING
IN THESE BLOODY WOLF HEADRESSES.
ULFHEDNAR#6: AND SO IS MY WIFE.
SCENE: IN TH E MIDST OF A LOT OF WOLF-PELT CLAD VIKINGS IS A LITTLE GUY DRESSED IN SCRAPS AND WITH BITS OF DEAD ANIMAL HANGING OFF HIM. FACE HIDDEN BY A FRINGED HOOD. HIS COCK IS OUT.
SPLASH: A MIDDLE-AGED HAIRY HOMOSEXUAL MAN WITH SILVERY BODY HAIR IS THROWN OVERBOARD FOR INFILTRATING THE WRONG GROUP.
MAIN ULFHEDNAR: OK MEN.I MEAN, WOLVES,,,, DERSU TOOK THE SHROOMS THIS MORNING AND A LOT OF TEA. WE JUDGED IT RIGHT SO IF YOU HAVE THE BOWL, JEFF, WE CAN JUST ABOUT MANAGE TO DRINK HIS PISS AND GET HIGH BEFORE THE BOTHER STARTS.
SCENE: VIKINGS FROM EACH GROUP ARE NOW BEGINNING TO GO PURPLE IN THE FACE. SOME SMILE. SOME LOOK AFRAID. SOME DROP THEIR WEAPONS OR STAGGER A BIT.
SCENE: 15 MINUTES LATER. THE ENEMY APPROACH
KING: NOW, MY BRAVE SECRET TOTEMIC SOCIETIES OF DEVASTATING WARRIORS ... DO YOUR WORST UPON MY ENEMIES!
SCENE: AN ENEMY SHIP APPROACHES THE PROW OF THE KING'S SHIP.
THE BERSERKERS ARE CLOSEST. THEY ATTEMPT TO MOVE TO COUNTER THE THREAT.
THE MOTION OF THE DECK. THE COMBINED MOTION OF THEIR SHIP AND THE ONE APPROACHING. THEIR OWN ATTEMPTS TO WALK ALONG THE DECK - ALL INSPIRE NAUSEA IN THEIR PERCEPTIONALLY CHALLENGED BRAINS.
SOME THROW UP. SOME SINK DOWN TO SLEEP. SOME SCREAM AND OTHER LAUGH. ONE IS CONVERSING WITH A SEA MONSTER THAT NO-ONE ELSE CAN SEE.
A RAIN OF ARROWS FALLS FROM THE ATTACKER'S SHIP. THE FOREDECK IS COVERED WITH MOTIONLESS FORMS.
NO-ONE IS DEAD . THEY ARE ALL JUST TOTALLY OUT OF IT.
SCENE: ATTACKERS RUSH ONBOARD. LEAP OVER THE USELESS BERSERKERS AND APPROACH THE STERN OF THE SHIP.
KING: NOW ! NOW MY BRAVE ULFHEDNIR ! DO YOUR WORST UPON MY ENEMIES!
SCENE: THE ATTACKERS HALT - SCREW UP THEIR FACES AND THEN FLEE TO THEIR OWN SHIP.
KING: HURRAH MY BRAVE ULFHEDNIR, YOU HAVE SAVED MY KINGDOM ....UUURRGGGH WHAT IISSS THAT SMELL ?
SCENE : AMONGST A CLUSTER OF SENSELESS AND DISCOLOURED ULFHEDNIR, THE KING SEES A LINE OF SEVERAL ARSES - CLAD IN WOLF SKIN - POINTING AT THE ENEMY. THE DECK IS BROWN. THE ARSES ARE BROWN, SOME OF THE ENEMY ARE BROWN. THE STENCH IS APPALLING. SOME OF THOSE BENDING BITE THE RIMS OF THEIR SHIELDS RATHER THAN CRY WITH THE PAIN OF THEIR DEVASTATING EVACUATIONS.
DERSU-UZALA: CHOI FANG SUHAK NAM XIN ZANGAN *
* TRANSL. ' CONFUCIOUS HE SAY- ONLY DRAWBACK WITH SHROOMY HIGH IS EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA'
VOICEOVER : 'AND SO THE SECRET TOTEMIC SOCIETIES OF INCAPACITATED WARRIORS SAILED OUT OF THE PAGES OF HISTORY AND INTO THE PAGES OF LEGEND'
KING : THE BATTLE APPROACHES - GET READY MY MEN!
SCENE: THE BERSERKERS AND ULFHEDNIR , FOR IT IS THEM, NOW MAKE READY FOR BATTLE
MAIN BERSERKER : OK MEN. I MEAN, BEARS,, GATHER ROUND.
SCENE: THEY MAKE A HUDDLE BECAUSE THEY ARE A SECRET MALE-BONDING TOTEMIC SOCIETY. DESPITE THE FACT THAT THEY ARE CALLED BERSERKERS, AND WEAR BEAR FURS OVER THEIR ARMOUR CUT AS A WOMANS UNDER-DRESS OR 'SERK', AND THEIR SECRET TOTEMIC ANIMAL IS A BEAR. - OTHERS MUST NOT KNOW THEIR SECRET WAYS.
SPLASH. AN INTOXICATED MIDDLE-AGED HAIRY HOMOSEXUAL MAN IS THROWN OVERBOARD FOR INFILTRATING THE WRONG GROUP.
MAIN BERSERKER: OK MEN, I MEAN, BEARS,,, IT IS APPROXIMATELY 30 MINUTES TO BATTLE. THOUGH WE HAVE NO WATCHES NOR FINE SENSE OF TIME. WE MUST EAT THE SHROOMS NOW AND IF WE ARE LUCKY WE WILL BE READY FOR THE BASTARDS WHEN THEY TRY TO BOARD US. OR V.V.
SPLASH. A VIKING WITH A WOLF-PELT ON IS THROWN OVERBOARD FOR INFILTRATING THE WRONG GROUP.
MAIN ULFHEDNAR : OK MEN,. I MEAN, WOLVES,,,, GATHER ROUND.
THOSE ON DECK WITH WOLF-PELT OVER THEIR GEAR FORM A HUDDLE.
MAIN BERSERKER: OY YOU LOT. SHIFT YOUR WOLFY ARSES SOMEWHERE ELSE. THIS IS OUR SECRET BIT OF DECK.
SCENE: WOLF-HUDDLE SHUFFLES ASTERN TO CREATE DECENT INTERVAL.
ULFHEDNAR #1 : OOOOWWWWWWW!
MAIN ULFHEDNAR : NO! WAIT WITH THE HOWLING. MAINTAIN SECRECY UNTIL WE MEET THE ENEMY.
ULFHEDNAR #1 : SORRY BOSS. I JUST TRIPPED OVER AN OAR.
MAIN ULFHEDNAR: OK MEN. I MEAN, WOLVES.... GATHER ROUND . THIS IS DERSU-UZALA, THE SHAMAN.
ULFHEDNAR#2 : WHAT ?
ULFHEDNAR#3: HE SAID 'BLESSED ARE THE MEAD MAKERS'
ULFHEDNAR#4: NO. HE SAID ' BLESSED BE ALL PRODUCERS OF FERMENTED INTOXICATING LIQUIDS'
ULFHEDNAR#5: HEY, BOSS. YOU HAVE TO SPEAK UP A BIT. WE CANNOT HEAR A THING
IN THESE BLOODY WOLF HEADRESSES.
ULFHEDNAR#6: AND SO IS MY WIFE.
SCENE: IN TH E MIDST OF A LOT OF WOLF-PELT CLAD VIKINGS IS A LITTLE GUY DRESSED IN SCRAPS AND WITH BITS OF DEAD ANIMAL HANGING OFF HIM. FACE HIDDEN BY A FRINGED HOOD. HIS COCK IS OUT.
SPLASH: A MIDDLE-AGED HAIRY HOMOSEXUAL MAN WITH SILVERY BODY HAIR IS THROWN OVERBOARD FOR INFILTRATING THE WRONG GROUP.
MAIN ULFHEDNAR: OK MEN.I MEAN, WOLVES,,,, DERSU TOOK THE SHROOMS THIS MORNING AND A LOT OF TEA. WE JUDGED IT RIGHT SO IF YOU HAVE THE BOWL, JEFF, WE CAN JUST ABOUT MANAGE TO DRINK HIS PISS AND GET HIGH BEFORE THE BOTHER STARTS.
SCENE: VIKINGS FROM EACH GROUP ARE NOW BEGINNING TO GO PURPLE IN THE FACE. SOME SMILE. SOME LOOK AFRAID. SOME DROP THEIR WEAPONS OR STAGGER A BIT.
SCENE: 15 MINUTES LATER. THE ENEMY APPROACH
KING: NOW, MY BRAVE SECRET TOTEMIC SOCIETIES OF DEVASTATING WARRIORS ... DO YOUR WORST UPON MY ENEMIES!
SCENE: AN ENEMY SHIP APPROACHES THE PROW OF THE KING'S SHIP.
THE BERSERKERS ARE CLOSEST. THEY ATTEMPT TO MOVE TO COUNTER THE THREAT.
THE MOTION OF THE DECK. THE COMBINED MOTION OF THEIR SHIP AND THE ONE APPROACHING. THEIR OWN ATTEMPTS TO WALK ALONG THE DECK - ALL INSPIRE NAUSEA IN THEIR PERCEPTIONALLY CHALLENGED BRAINS.
SOME THROW UP. SOME SINK DOWN TO SLEEP. SOME SCREAM AND OTHER LAUGH. ONE IS CONVERSING WITH A SEA MONSTER THAT NO-ONE ELSE CAN SEE.
A RAIN OF ARROWS FALLS FROM THE ATTACKER'S SHIP. THE FOREDECK IS COVERED WITH MOTIONLESS FORMS.
NO-ONE IS DEAD . THEY ARE ALL JUST TOTALLY OUT OF IT.
SCENE: ATTACKERS RUSH ONBOARD. LEAP OVER THE USELESS BERSERKERS AND APPROACH THE STERN OF THE SHIP.
KING: NOW ! NOW MY BRAVE ULFHEDNIR ! DO YOUR WORST UPON MY ENEMIES!
SCENE: THE ATTACKERS HALT - SCREW UP THEIR FACES AND THEN FLEE TO THEIR OWN SHIP.
KING: HURRAH MY BRAVE ULFHEDNIR, YOU HAVE SAVED MY KINGDOM ....UUURRGGGH WHAT IISSS THAT SMELL ?
SCENE : AMONGST A CLUSTER OF SENSELESS AND DISCOLOURED ULFHEDNIR, THE KING SEES A LINE OF SEVERAL ARSES - CLAD IN WOLF SKIN - POINTING AT THE ENEMY. THE DECK IS BROWN. THE ARSES ARE BROWN, SOME OF THE ENEMY ARE BROWN. THE STENCH IS APPALLING. SOME OF THOSE BENDING BITE THE RIMS OF THEIR SHIELDS RATHER THAN CRY WITH THE PAIN OF THEIR DEVASTATING EVACUATIONS.
DERSU-UZALA: CHOI FANG SUHAK NAM XIN ZANGAN *
* TRANSL. ' CONFUCIOUS HE SAY- ONLY DRAWBACK WITH SHROOMY HIGH IS EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA'
VOICEOVER : 'AND SO THE SECRET TOTEMIC SOCIETIES OF INCAPACITATED WARRIORS SAILED OUT OF THE PAGES OF HISTORY AND INTO THE PAGES OF LEGEND'